"A Birthday Bribe for the Don"

Trump wants a $400M jet from Qatar? Fine. Let’s outbid the grift, build him one ourselves; and bribe him to finally work for us. Democracy might just depend on it.

Let’s not kid ourselves. We’re living in a made-for-Netflix dystopia; a real-time episode of Black Mirror meets The Sopranos, with President Trump playing a mix of Tony Montana, Michael Corleone, and your narcissistic uncle who still thinks he’s owed a medal for surviving the Great Recession in a gold-plated golf cart.

Now, word on the street is the Qataris; yes, our fabulously wealthy, gas-rich friends from the Gulf, have floated a little gift: a $400 million aircraft designed with Trump’s favorite accessories: opulence, power, and a whiff of dictatorship. It’s not a donation. It’s not charity. It’s not even subtle. It’s a shakedown. A geopolitical bribe wrapped in Italian leather and dipped in 24-karat narcissism. They want influence, plain and simple. Influence over a man who’d sell his own shadow if it came with a decent press release.

And here we are, America, the richest country in the world, allegedly, staring at this unfolding farce like spectators at a mob wedding, pretending not to see the blood on the dance floor.

So let me say what everyone else is too polite, too neutered, or too compromised to say: Let’s beat the Qataris at their own game. Let’s bribe the President of the United States; our President, tragically and farcically, to work for us.

Yes. You heard me right. It’s time for the United States to roll up its sleeves, take a shot of scotch, and embrace the ugly truth: Trump is for sale. Always has been. The man treats loyalty like a door prize and policy like a limited-time offer at Bed Bath & Beyond. But if the alternative is selling America to the highest bidder, then maybe, just maybe, we need to pony up before he puts the Constitution on eBay.

So here’s the pitch: we build him a plane. A big, beautiful, red-white-and-blue American plane. Made entirely in America, by Americans, with American steel and American sweat; hell, throw in some of that coal he loves so much. No foreign subcontractors. No “Made in Doha” stickers hiding under the seats. Just a 100% domestically-sourced aircraft fit for a megalomaniac in decline.

Price tag? Who gives a shit. make it more expensive. Raise the price tag to $500 million. It’s merely a rounding error in the Pentagon’s lunch budget. But here’s the twist; this isn’t just a present. It’s a transaction. In exchange for the Trump Force One: American Edition, he signs a contract, a blood oath, an NDA, or whatever legal Frankenstein we need that commits him to one thing: peddling influence solely for the American people.

That’s right. No more backroom deals with Saudis. No more side hustles in Moscow. No more Ivanka trademarks in China while Daddy tweets nuclear threats. Just one job: work for America. Sell us. Promote us. Lie, cheat, and grift in our favor for once.

Now, I get it. It sounds insane. It sounds corrupt. It sounds...well, it sounds like something I would’ve had to pitch to him when I was still drinking the Trump Kool-Aid and calling it Dom Pérignon. But desperate times, my friends, call for desperate kickbacks.

Remember that scene in The Godfather Part II, where Michael Corleone calmly tells the Nevada senator: “You can have my answer now, if you like. My final offer is this: nothing. Not even the fee for the gaming license. Which I would appreciate if you would put up personally…” That’s the level of gangster energy we need right now. Except instead of playing defense, we play Tom Brady two minute offense.

The Qataris think they can buy Trump? Let them try. We’ll pay more. We’ll do it cleaner. Smarter. With a little more Lincoln and a little less Lenin. We won’t let them plant their flag in the Oval Office by way of an in-flight minibar. We’ll outbid them, outplay them, and out-pimp their ride.

Here’s the thing: we’re already paying for the damage this man does. Every day he opens his mouth, our markets tremble, our alliances crack, and our national IQ drops ten points. The tantrum he’s going to throw if he doesn’t get his birthday jet? That could cost us a hell of a lot more than $400 or $500 million. It will cost us our democracy.

So yeah, it’s unconventional. Yeah, it’s morally murky. Yeah, it’s totally fucked up. But this is the reality we’re stuck in. We don’t have the luxury of principles when the house is on fire and the arsonist is demanding a cake.

So, let’s buy the plane. Bribe the bastard. Wrap it in a bow that says For America Only. Because if we don’t, someone else will; and they won’t be nearly as patriotic about it.

And if we’re lucky, maybe he will just take the damn thing and go on a worldwide tour, twice, and leave us all alone.

But hey; happy birthday, Mr. President.

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PERSONAL NOTE: ARE YOU WITH ME? I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE!

If you’re reading this, it means you care. You care about truth. About justice. About saving our democracy from the grip of grifters, liars, and power-hungry con men. But let’s be real; I can’t carry this weight on my own.

I’m asking, no, urging you, my loyal Substack readers, to help grow this platform into a force they can’t ignore. We’re not building a newsletter; we’re building a movement. One loud enough, sharp enough, and relentless enough to push back against the lies and hold the corrupt to account.

Now more than ever, independent journalism needs you. Your support keeps this alive; not corporate sponsors, not shady billionaires with agendas. You.

And yes; as a personal thank you, the first 240 Founding Members will receive a rare, signed, numbered Substack edition of my New York Times bestseller, Revenge: How Donald Trump Weaponized the U.S. Department of Justice Against His Critics. A collector’s item, and a statement.

But this is bigger than a book. It’s about standing up while others stay silent. It’s about building a community that calls out the bullshit and fights like hell for what’s right.

So here’s what you can do: 1) Become a supporter. 2) Share this Substack with family and friends. 3) Bring your people into the fight.

Do your part. Stand up. Speak out. The time is now; and together, we will be heard.