"Tariffs, Toilets and Total Mayhem"

This is more than policy; it’s cultural reprogramming. Authoritarian regimes don’t show up all at once with tanks in the street; they creep in through language policing and identity suppression.

As I’ve warned, shouted, pleaded, we are deep in the deep shit danger zone. This isn’t politics as usual. This is a slow-motion demolition derby on the American way of life, starring your favorite President Donald Trump (and you better start saying that) and his ever-expanding band of morally bankrupt enablers who would set fire to the Constitution if it scored them airtime or a Mar-a-Lago invite.

You think I’m being hyperbolic; take a deep breath and read on.

Let’s start in Florida. Ah yes, Florida; where democracy goes to tan and die. A teacher just lost their job for calling a student by their preferred name. That’s right, not because they were failing students, or because they did something actually inappropriate. No, they used the name the student identified with. In Ron DeSantis’ Florida, respecting someone’s identity is now a punishable offense. This isn’t just cruel; it’s a clear warning shot. Today it’s a teacher. Tomorrow? It’s your kid. Your sister. You.

This is more than policy; it’s cultural reprogramming. Authoritarian regimes don’t show up all at once with tanks in the street; they creep in through language policing and identity suppression. They take control of what names you can use, what books you can read, and how your damn bathroom should flush.

And speaking of flushing, here comes Trump with the kind of executive order that belongs in The Onion. Not a word about gun violence. Nothing on healthcare. Nada about education. Nope. He’s signing executive orders targeting… low-pressure shower heads, toilets, and washing machines. That’s right. While our democracy crumbles and the world literally burns, this guy is obsessed with toilet pressure and whether you can hose yourself down like a fire hydrant. Priorities, people!

And don’t be fooled by the shiny distractions; like Trump’s supposed “tariff pause,” which his cronies are parading around like some kind of masterstroke of economic genius. Spoiler alert: it’s not. Wall Street took one look and collectively hurled. U.S. stocks are slumping again, wiping out trillions in value. Retirements? Poof. 401(k)s? Down the drain. But don’t expect the MAGA mouthpieces to admit that. They'll just point to the showerhead and say, “At least now you can wash away your tears at full blast!”

Then we’ve got the House; controlled by GOP sycophants who’ve clearly mistaken paranoia for policy, passing a bill requiring proof of citizenship to vote in federal elections. Now, I can already hear the MAGA spin: “But Michael, fuck off…that’s just common sense!” No, it’s not. It’s voter suppression, plain and simple. Who gets hurt? Married women who’ve changed their names. People in minority communities with inconsistent documentation. Seniors who’ve voted for decades but can’t find their birth certificate because, shocker, it’s not 1937 anymore. This isn’t about election integrity. It’s about rigging the rules to make sure fewer people vote. If you can’t win on ideas, just change the game.

And then; God help us, there’s RFK Jr. The darling of every contrarian podcast and the right-wing fever dream come to life. He’s pushing a bill that says if you eat donuts or smoke, society shouldn’t have to pay for your healthcare. I wish I were making this up. You eat a jelly-filled and boom; no coverage for you, fatty. This kind of punitive puritanism is what happens when faux-populists pretend to be libertarians while secretly channeling their inner dictator. Today it’s donuts. Tomorrow it’s your diabetes meds. Or your cholesterol pills. Or your grandmother’s insulin because she once had a birthday cake in 1972.

This all sounds nuts because it is. But here’s the most terrifying part: it’s working. The chaos, the cruelty, the constant state of outrage fatigue; it's a strategy. Trump and his flying monkeys don’t want us united. They want us exhausted. Confused. Fighting each other while they strip the copper wiring out of the Republic.

But here’s the truth that they can’t flush down their newly turbocharged toilets: This affects all of us. Republican, Democrat, Independent, or “just don’t follow politics” types. When the stock market crashes, it doesn’t check your voter registration. When your rights disappear, it won’t matter who you voted for; because soon, you might not be able to vote at all.

So now is not the time for silence. It’s not the time for “both sides” platitudes. It’s time to speak up, stand up, and wake up. Because while Trump fiddles with plumbing fixtures and pushes us toward fascism with a gold-plated smile, the America we love is circling the drain.

And this time, it won’t be low-flow.

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